


strange how the days layer, and weigh on you years later

by going_going_gone



Series: healed everything but my shame [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Background for Kylo Ren, Childhood Friends, F/M, First Kiss, First Love, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, I don't think Luke is a bad guy, Knights of Ren - Freeform, Luke Skywalker is not wholly prepared to be a Jedi Master to thirteen small children, Luke's Students, Multi, and a rewrite of a past fic which was bad, but it's all perspective, half of the characters I created die anyway, kinda Anti-Luke, this is a vehicle for my oc tbh, this is very self-indulgent, who gave him this responsibility
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-19
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-09-07 18:47:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20314264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/going_going_gone/pseuds/going_going_gone
Summary: “Come with me,” he said. He sounded calm, as if his saber wasn’t inches from her neck. Her face crumpled and she stared up at him.“I love you.”He backed away immediately, lifting his lightsaber away from hers. He looked sick and surprised, but he didn't look happy.She stood, saber still ignited, and stepped out of Elis’s blood.Then she pulled her hand to her chest.The chair exploded against his back, wood splintering spectacularly. But he barely flinched at the force of it. She noted the large shard which had embedded itself in his right shoulder, but he didn’t seem to notice.He was not amused.With a wave of his hand, Ben brought the wall down.





	strange how the days layer, and weigh on you years later

**Author's Note:**

> This is a complete rewrite of a previous fic, to make it a little more canon-compliant, but I have a strong feeling this will become wildly AU as soon as Episode IX comes out. Who cares. This is Part 1 of a series, like a pre-canon for the canon I'm about to fuck up.

Nisa stared down at the blood that seemed to by crawling up her legs even as it cooled and became sticky against her skin. It was a deep magenta, non-human, and the site was so shocking she couldn’t stop her fingers from reaching out. She touched the rapidly coagulating blood with the very pad of her thumb, spreading it against her calf. It was everywhere, splattered across every available surface. She wondered how she was going to get it out the coarse fabric of her robes. She held Aaye’s shuddering body close to her chest, her own breath labored after all the effort she put into closing the huge wound in her stomach. The girl was unconscious, eyes shut as tight as they would go.

“Nisa!” a shriek broke through her blurred thoughts. She looked up, eyes wide, as Masa came bursting into the women’s dormitory. His eyes were wide with fear, and the whites were bloodshot. He was breathing hard, and when he caught sight of all the blood…all of Aaye’s blood…

Nisa leaned over and vomited, watching as it touched the blood and turned a putrid plum color. She’d had porridge for dinner.

She’d stopped the flow, and Aaye was breathing shallowly, but she needed Elis. Elis was much better at force healing.

“Nisa, oh my god. Aaye’s…Force be—Force be…it’s Ben. And Master Skywalker is-.”

“Jonah had his saber. I woke up when she… She wasn’t…” Her voice sounded unhinged, which was curious, because she couldn’t _think_, couldn’t feel much more than a distant ever-present confusion. “What’s going on?”

“Ben killed Master Luke. Luke’s dead! And Jonah and Gergo… Elis told me to find you and Aaye. God, what’s she going to do when-.”

“Where?”

“In the- th- the caf. They’re all _yelling_. And Laata’s not listening to me. I don’t know what to do!”

“Come on.” Nisa stood on shaky legs, laying Aaye gently on the ground. She just needed to get Elis.

Grabbing her saber and trying to steady herself before she faced whatever was going on out there, Nisa followed him. She tossed one more look over her shoulder, checking that Aaye’s chest was still moving. It was, barely, but they didn’t have much time.

***

Nisa had always lived on Chandrila, her entire life, she’d grown up playing in the streets of Hanna City. She knew all about the great war that had won the galaxy this peace. She’d grown up hearing about the war heroes, Leia and Han Solo, had heard tales of Luke Skywalker, the last Jedi Knight.

Was it any surprise that the shy little girl had dreamed so much of one day realizing her destiny as a Jedi, protecting the innocent and keeping the peace throughout the galaxy? And was it any surprise that she noticed the signs faster than any adult ever would? Luke Skywalker had started taking on padawans like stray cats, and little Nisa was determined to join their ranks.

Her family were merchants, and when Nisa solemnly explained to her Mama and Papa that she was going to become a Jedi, they used their contacts with the cities high ups to indulge her, sending a polite comm message straight to Leia herself, explaining that their daughter professed to be Force Sensitive.

Maybe Mister and Mistress Ni’Nira never expected it to get very far, or perhaps they thought that Leia would ignore their message because when Luke Skywalker called upon them, in their own home, weeks later…

Mama screamed. Papa fainted.

Nisa led Master Skywalker into the sitting room while Mama tried to wake Papa. She politely offered him some biscuits, asking if he’d like any tea. He shook his head no to the tea, but he did take her up on the plate of biscuits.

“You’re Nisa?” he asked.

“Yes, sir,” she replied promptly.

They had a lovely conversation, and when he asked, Nisa let him test her. Mama and Papa came in just in time to see their daughter, eyes closed tight, even behind her blindfold, dodging each tea biscuit Master Skywalker threw in an extraordinary show of dexterity. 

“Was that entirely necessary?” Mama asked Master Skywalker later after they’d all come to their decision and were seated across from each other.

“It’s a physical aspect of the Force. Advanced reflexes. And your daughter is strong with the Force. I sensed it as soon as I met her.”

“So…”

“Not entirely necessary, no. But the younglings enjoy it.”

***

Masa wouldn’t stop talking, and she could see him worrying his lip bloody with his fangs. He was crying, and Nisa wondered if she was going to start crying too.

She’d only woken as Jonah came crashing into the dormitory. He’d come in, teeth bared as sweat dripped from his hair, and Nisa hadn’t made a sound, body still heavy from deep sleep. She only moved when the two sabers clashed, Jonah’s blue blade against Aaye’s own. The twin streaks of cold fire still flashed behind her eyes when she blinked, but Jonah was stronger. He was twice Aaye’s size. It was only a matter of time.

She should have jumped in. Done something.

Leaning over, Nisa vomited once again.

Masa let out a distressed moan. He started crying even harder, which made her stomach churn worse.

“Shut up. Stop!” Nisa snapped, trying to gain control of her body. She breathed deeply, ignoring the scent of bile. Her head swam, but she reached out for the space between her bones, the tremoring cells in her skin, centering herself in the Force.

“Ni-Nisa, we have to hurry. Gergo and Sai were figh-t-ting,” Masa hissed. He’d dashed away his tears, but there were more coming.

She stood, feeling her stomach settling, and started walking once more. Nisa didn’t bother letting Masa lead, his steps weaving and unsteady. She could make out the _whooshing_ of sabers meeting and the yells of her friends. All her friends.

***

After Nisa’s first meeting with Master Skywalker, he explained that she’d need to leave home immediately. Her parents had been a bit reluctant, but there was not much they could think of to stop her. Master Skywalker refused any of her luggage, explaining that Nisa would need to give up everything she owned to begin the life of a Jedi.

It was no trouble for her. She hated the frilly robes her mother insisted she wear. She wanted to dress like Master Skywalker. She wanted to look like a proper Jedi. Besides, she wasn’t particularly fond of the toys her parents gave her either, preferring the pleasure of walking the streets around her house and exploring the best parts of the city.

Her mother and father said a tearful goodbye to her, but she tried very hard to keep any tears from falling. She couldn’t cry in front of Master Skywalker. So she simply smiled her hardest until they rounded a corner and her parents were lost behind them.

Master Skywalker took her to a beautiful private home along the river-road. These were the finest houses in the city, and she knew suddenly that this must be where he was staying—where her fellow padawans were as well. She grinned in spite of herself.

He led her up the front steps and through the outer gate. The inner courtyard was noisy with children’s laughter, crowded with said children. Nisa’s eyes roamed, trying to catalog all of the strange new faces. She saw two Twi-lek girls, a Mirialan no more than 7 orbits old, two Togruta children, practically identical, a Zabrak boy with bright red skin, a Nautolan who had managed to climb halfway up the outer wall, and an assortment of human children. Her smile grew even bigger.

“Padawans,” Master Skywalker called out. She expected him to scold them, but he only looked bemused. They all rushed towards him, abandoning their previous pursuits. “This is Nisa Ni’Nira. She joins our ranks today.”

The children all stared at her, a range of emotions displayed before her. They all seemed welcoming, though. Nisa’s heart fluttered. This would work out perfectly, she assured herself.

“Where’s Ben?” Master Skywalker asked the children. The Zabrak boy and the Nautolan glanced at each other, looking uncomfortable. “I asked him to watch over you all.”

“Ben’s in his room,” the taller Twi’lek girl said, voice grave.

Master Skywalker frowned. “I’ll be back in a moment.”

The Twi’lek girl nodded. “I’ll introduce Nisa Ni’Nira to everyone!” she offered helpfully. Master Luke nodded, sending her a warm smile.

Once he’d retreated through the door, the girl turned back to Nisa. “I’m Ayag’elis. But everyone calls my Elis. Gesturing to the younger Twi’lek, she said, “This is Ayag’aaye. Call her Aaye.”

Elis gave short introductions for all of the other children. The Togrutas were twins, a boy, and a girl. The girl was called, and the boy was Masa. The little Mirialan was named Nuz, the Rodian boy was Gret. The Nautolan boy piped up, interrupting Elis to tell her that he was called Sai Rakti. The smallest human boy, who hid behind Elis’s robes, was called Jonah. He offered her a small smile beneath a curtain of sandy blonde hair. A taller human girl, with skin a few shades darker than Nisa’s and curly brown hair that tumbled down to her chin held out a hand to shake. She called herself Yasali. She looked about the same age as Nisa. Next was the Zabrak boy, who had his arm thrown over the final human boy's shoulder in an amicable embrace. They were Gergo and Jord respectively.

It was a lot of names to take in all at once, considering Nisa hadn’t had many friends at home, but she was determined to remember them _all_, even if she had to write it down somewhere.

“I’m Nisa,” she said simply, smiling back at them.

Gret snorted in laughter. “We know _that_!” he exclaimed.

Elis smacked his arm. “Shut up Gret. Don’t be mean.”

Nisa recognized suddenly that, besides Master Skywalker, Elis was the one in charge. She seemed to lord over the other children like a mother. It made Nisa’s smile grow. She was endeared, all of a sudden, towards the blue-skinned girl.

***

The caf was absolute chaos. Gergo and Sai were attacking each other tirelessly, sabers clashing again and again as they bared their teeth at each other. Jord was trading blows with Yasali, both of them without their sabers, and Jonah and Nuz were both trying to fend of Elis. Ben stood staring at them all, arms at his side, face flushed in anger.

Masa froze at her side, staring at his sister, who was throwing cast-plast cups at Sai’s head, distracting the Jedi as Gergo brought his saber down and slicing through his arm. Sai’s scream chilled Nisa’s blood. Masa screamed, running at his sister, arms outstretched. She wondered whether he was trying to stop her or embrace her.

Elis had a wound in her side, which leaked magenta blood onto the caf floor. Her blood was the same color as her sister’s.

She was waning, deflecting the blows from her attackers, and Jonah didn’t look anywhere near tiring. Nisa was unable to move, watching the battle play out just before her.

“Where’s my sister?” Elis shouted at Masa, but he was unable to answer as his body connected with his twin’s. The pair fell to the ground in a heap.

“Stop.”

Nisa’s head jerked up to see Ben, hand out, stopping Gergo’s blade before it could land a killing blow through Sai’s neck. Everyone stilled in their struggle, staring at the three boys. Waiting.

She gasped with relief. He would end this. He would stop the slaughter before it began.

Aaye was bad, but they could still help her. And if he could stop the fighting Elis could go to her sister.

“Gergo, give him a choice,” Ben growled. His already dark eyes were black with rage, and he stared down at the Nautolan like he was the scum beneath his shoes.

“What?” Gergo gasped, chest straining from the effort of stopping his saber from cleaving Sai’s head off. Sai was locked in place on the ground, clutching at his severed hand and staring up at Ben with an equal amount of disdain.

“Let him make his choice. Let them _all_ make their choices,” Ben said, turning to look at the room at large. He suddenly looked even larger than usual, command leaking from his voice.

His hair was bedraggled and hung before him in sweat-slicked strands, his robes stained black with soot. Nisa wondered suddenly where the fire was.

“Ben,” Sai growled. “This is a farce. What have you done to Master Skywalker?”

“I didn’t do anything!” Ben replied. He looked angry and desperate, and his chest heaved as he stared down at Sai.

“_Liar_!” Yasali cried. There were tears streaking down her face, and she was holding her arm close to her body. It was turned at an odd angle.

“I’m telling the truth. I was asleep. He was planning on killing me. Who knows what plans he had for the rest of us!” Ben asked, ignoring the crying girl. He was still staring down at Sai.

“He’s telling the truth,” Jord exclaimed. “I saw—“

“You didn’t see anything!” Yasali howled. “Master Skywalker would never do that!”

Sai scoffed.

“We just want to leave. Let us leave.” Ben snapped.

“I’m not letting you go free, either. You’re a murderer, and a failure to the New Jedi Order,” Sai snarled. “None of us are joining you!” He ducked, trying to grab his fallen hand and retrieve his saber. Ben stepped back, and Gergo lashed out with his saber again.

Yasali screamed when the blade sliced through Sai’s neck and his head went flying.

***

Nisa beamed at the other children as they led her from the courtyard into their home. It was a nice place. She could tell it was well-kept and well-made, but there was too much evidence of the children who crowded into the entrance-way to say it was an elegant home.

She saw a small cloth toy hanging off of a small end-table and a few empty cast-plast cups clustered next to the sink. There were scrapes along the far wall that looked to have been made by a child-sized person. It felt like a house where children ran about.

She couldn’t keep her smile off of her face at the prospect of living here. It seemed like a dream.

“You all live here together?” Nisa asked.

Elis nodded. “For now. Master Skywalker is finalizing plans for our journey. We’ll be returning to his New Jedi Temple soon. The rest of the Jedi are there now. Master Skywalker is only here to gather students.”

“How long have you been here?”

“Not long,” Jord assured her. “Master Skywalker found me on Coruscant two months ago.”

“Ben’s been with Master Luke for the longest,” Elis explained. “Besides Gergo. How long have you been with the master, Gergo?”

“Half a rotation?” he shrugged, not particularly interested in being accurate.

“Master Luke was readying us to leave when he got the message about you,” Elis said. “He must have sensed that you were right about your Force abilities.”

It seemed like a dream until the commotion that came down the stairs. The stairway opened up in front of the entranceway, giving them all a fantastic view of the boy slouching down them, followed closely by Master Skywalker.

“Ben!” Master Skywalker scolded. Nisa’s eyes widened. It was odd to see the Master irritated. She’d only just met him, but already she could tell it wasn’t truly in his nature.

The boy was tall, but he had a young face. If she had to guess Nisa would say he was perhaps a year or two older than her. He was pale- much paler than her- with dark hair and a spattering of freckles across his face. The long, thin braid he wore stood out against his plain brown clothes. Nisa glanced around and noticed that all of the younglings with hair wore them. She reached a hand up to her own hair, bundled up onto her head in three equal buns across the crown of her head, just the way her mother did it.

Taking the initiative, Nisa strode forward, sticking out a hand for Ben to shake. “Hello there! I’m Nisa!” she introduced herself cheerily. But Ben didn’t put out his own hand to shake. He only scowled at her from behind two _very _bored looking brown eyes.

“Ben Solo,” he grumbled, sending Master Skywalker a dark look.

Nisa’s eyes widened at his insolence, and she found herself looking to Master Skywalker as well if only to gage his reaction and understand what her own should be.

He didn’t look angry, just disappointed. “Ben, you must show respect to your fellow padawans.”

Ben turned back to her, grabbing her proffered hand- she’d forgotten to put it down- and gave it a brisk shake. She winced at his tight grip.

“Did she come from somewhere on-world?’ Ben asked Master Skywalker, eyes leaving her face once again. Nisa frowned. What had she done to _him_? Why was _he_ so grumpy?

“You could ask her,” Master Skywalker replied, raising his brows at the boy.

“Did you?”

Nisa nodded.

Master Skywalker sighed. “Yes. Nisa, you’re from right in the middle of the city, aren’t you?”

She nodded again, tentatively. “Marn Street, sir,” she elaborated.

“That’s where the rich folks live!” Yasali exclaimed from behind Nisa. She turned to look at the little girl, brows coming together in confusion.

“This is where the rich people live!” she argued.

“No, this is where the Senators live,” Master Skywalker cut in. “But Yasali, you are correct, Marn street is a wealthy part of the city.”

Nisa’s mouth tightened. She wasn’t _wealthy_. She was just herself. Yes, her parents made money, but they weren’t like those mean smugglers and fancy men who had servants and slaves and were mean to poor people on the street. But she didn’t want to embarrass herself by explaining that, so she kept silent.

“Don’t worry, Nisa, no one thinks you’re cruel or greedy,” Elis reassured her. Almost as if she had read her mind. But then, she was a padawan. So of course she’d be able to tell what she was thinking. She flushed at that, worried that she’d think something wrong or silly. She hoped Master Skywalker wouldn’t tell anyone if she thought something like that. He was probably even better than Elis.

Master Skywalker shook his head slightly, sending her an apologetic look.

“We don’t know her,” Jonah interrupted. “She _could _be cruel and greedy.”

“He’s not wrong,” Ben muttered.

“Nisa’s nice!” Elis argued, turning slitted eyes at him and sidling closer to Nisa.

“Yeah!” Laata said in an eager voice, coming to Nisa’s other side.

Nisa grinned at Ben, daring him to argue now. He didn’t. Instead, he did something she hadn’t exactly been expecting. His lips tilted up at the corners, just a little bit. But it was enough. It was a smile. Of a kind, anyway.

***

Jord grabbed Yasali before she could sprint across the room towards Sai’s body. Her uninjured arm was reaching out as if she could put his head back on his body and mend him. But there was no mending _that_. She struggled in his grip. When she broke free she turned on her heel and flew at him.

The caf descended into chaos once more.

Elis was the only one with saber still in hand, ignited, bearing her teeth in a snarl at Nuz, who was standing warily just out of range of her weapon.

“Where’s my sister!” she snapped, eyes wild as she searched for Masa. But Laata had gotten Masa into a headlock. There was a fresh wound across her cheek where he’s gotten her with the tip of a single horn.

“Nisa!” Masa squealed.

“She’s in the dormitory. I- I stopped the bleeding. But she needs help. There’s no time. Ben please-.”

“Jonah?” Ben snapped.

“I was trying to get her to come with me to the caf. She was yelling, asking me why. She heard the noise. She pulled her saber first.”

Elis stopped waving her saber at Nuz to keep her back, eyes wide. “You fucking bastard!” she snarled. Reaching out with a single hand, eyes trained on Jonah, she threw him away from her. He went flying at one of the tables, crashing into it with a sickening thud. Nuz ignited her lightsaber, bringing it through Elis without a thought.

Gergo rushed over to Jonah, hand flying to his neck.

The caf was deafeningly quiet as they all reeled at the sight of Elis’s bisected body. The edges of her robes burned, and the heavy smell of burned flesh made Nisa sure she’d vomit for the third time.

Masa let out a keening sound from his position on the floor with his sister.

“He’s alive,” Gergo called out.

Nuz blinked down at Elis’s body for a beat, but she rushed to Jonah with Gergo’s words. He was stirring against the table, blood leaking from a new wound, staining his blonde hair crimson. She helped him up.

Yasali was beyond reason, struggling wildly in Jord’s grip as she shrieked. Nisa fought the urge to cover her ears at the sound.

“Stop fighting me, Yasali. It doesn’t have to end like-.”

Jord shouted over the noise, obviously unable to keep her in his arms for much longer, but Yasali lashed out with the force, throwing Jord away from her. She was still screaming, eyes swollen with tears as she continued to lash out. Nisa was thrown by her next attack, landing against the door frame. She felt it dully, as her head cracked against the hinge, but she couldn’t feel the pain. Ben and Jord had been pulled closer to Yasali as she reached out blindly, for what Nisa wasn’t sure, and she waited for the killing blow.

Her vision was blurring when the green light of another saber cut through. Gret was holding it as it came out the other side of Yasali’s back. The screaming stopped.

***

Nisa’s first ever lesson with Master Skywalker was everything that she could have hoped for. He was wonderfully understanding, gentle, and easy to understand. Much better than some of her tutors back home.

After an hour of meditation and contemplation, which most always dissolved into naps or daydreaming, the padawans all came together in the courtyard for their lessons. On Nisa’s second day in the house, she stood alongside Elis and Jord as Master Skywalker led them through what felt- and looked- like a particularly elaborate dance. She wanted to ask what all of this was about, but it would have broken her concentration.

After the dancing, Master Skywalker talked about the force for a really long time, and Nisa tried her hardest to pay attention. The way he described it, almost like a friend, enthralled her. It had never really occurred to her that the Force was something unique to the Jedi. She’d always assumed everyone else felt the same way as her, but the way Master Skywalker described it, they were especially attuned to the world around them, and the words rang automatically true to her.

“Why did we do all that dancing?” she finally got to ask after the lesson was wrapped up for lunch.

Master Skywalker chuckled. “Those were lightsaber forms, Nisa,” he corrected.

She blushed, feeling a bit silly. Of course, they hadn’t been dancing. Why would a Jedi need to know how to dance. “When do we get those?” she asked, trying to pretend she hadn’t asked something so stupid.

“When you’ve reached a certain level in your training we’ll craft your light sabers,” Luke told her. Her eyes widened, and she clapped her hands in excitement.

“We’ve got a while before that,” Elis warned her.

But that didn’t crush the excitement. Even imagining owning a lightsaber was thrilling.

More thrilling was the preparations to travel to the Jedi Temple. She was unsure, even frightened about leaving the planet she’d always known, but not enough to overwhelm the excitement. They were ready for the trip within days of her arrival, but Elis explained that they were waiting for something. None of the padawans knew anything, when Nisa asked, who told her to ask Ben, but his moods were unpredictable at times.

She supposed he was going through puberty, something her mother had explained to her after her cousin Tybalt had refused to play tag with her during his thirteenth birthday party. He’d insisted on sitting and listening to the adults talk. When younglings got old, they started being weird, and then they were adolescents. She didn’t completely understand the process, but she was determined to skip it when she got older.

***

Laata raised her brother up from the ground, and Nisa felt a sick weight drop from her throat into her stomach. She struggled to stand, struggled to focus on the shapes of her friends, both the bodies on the floor and the murderers surrounding her. Escape was her only thought, her only option. She needed to get back to Aaye, to try anything to help her. She needed—

“Nisa,” Jonah barked. He was standing again, clutching the back of his head, and Nuz was clinging to his arm as if to steady him. He didn’t look like he needed steadying.

Ben turned from Laata and Masa who were arguing in hissed whispers. His eyes met hers across the room and she stopped. She couldn’t parse the emotion in those dark eyes, but she doubted hers were any clearer.

“I don’t—I just want—.”

Ben strode past them all, rushing at her. She cringed back against the doorframe, feeling her hair drip wetly with blood against the thin material of her sleeping clothes. She was dizzy, nauseous and her vision kept tripping back over Sai’s severed arm, just a few feet away. There was so much blood on the caf floor, congealing and mixing in all its gory glory.

He grabbed her by her shoulders, shaking her. “Focus,” he hissed. She stared up at him, eyes wide. He didn’t look much better than she felt, eyes crazed as he glared down at her.

“What have you done?” she finally asked, feeling tiny in his grip, her voice small.

“They made their choices. If you’d wanted to save them, you would have stepped in,” he told her. She flinched.

“Nisa, don’t listen,” Masa suddenly cried out. He struck his sister, reaching blindly for the saber at his belt. He looked terrified. “We-.”

He gurgled, dropping suddenly to the ground. Ben and Nisa both whipped their heads around. Laata had one of her knives in her hand, and it was streaked yellow with her brother’s life blood.

“He was weak. He was a coward, and he would have killed us as soon as our backs were turned,” Laata explained. She wasn’t quite _smiling_, but her face was serene.

Ben nodded, once.

“We should just kill her too,” Jonah proclaimed. “She’s not—.”

“Shut up!” Ben snapped. “_Jonah_ shut up.”

“Ben,” Nisa whispered. “What have you _done_?”

“Luke tried to kill me. Jord found me crawling from the ruins of the outbuilding.”

“No,” she said, shaking her head. Master Skywalker would never harm them. He was their guide in the Force. He was their teacher. But Ben was so _sure_.

Ben was also a murderer. He’d made them into animals, killing each other like dogs. And he’d killed Master Skywalker.

“Nisa,” Ben snarled, understanding where her thoughts were headed.

“She’s not strong enough,” Laata warned. Nisa met her eyes, searching for the girl she knew, but her hands were stained with the blood of her own twin brother. She’d find no mercy there.

“Go!” Ben roared. He turned, slamming Nisa harder against the door frame as he stared them all down. “Go get a ship. _All_ of you. We have to leave before someone comes to investigate.”

Jonah looked like he wanted to argue, but Nuz was tugging him away. The group passed them silently as they exited the caf. Nuz wouldn’t meet her eyes as she led them all out to the ship bay.

Once they were gone, Ben’s eyes returned to hers. They didn’t soften. She realized, suddenly, just how much terror was present, along with the anger. Master Skywalker had really...

“Nisa, Luke was going to kill me. The Jedi were weak, corrupt. No more, no more Jedi.”

“Ben!”

“He thought I was too strong. I should have listened. I should have paid more attention. The Jedi are wrong. The Sith are wrong. They were all wrong.”

He was rambling, his words didn’t make any _sense_. They didn’t sound like him. He was having a conversation with someone she couldn’t see, and the crazed way his eyes searched her face scared her.

She shook her head. “Don’t build a philosophy to rid yourself of guilt. No excuses, Ben. Y—you killed _Elis_. And _I_ can’t fix Aaye. I need Elis. I need her to heal her sister!” There was a hysterical edge to her words.

Ben huffed. “Reach out with the force, Nisa.”

Nisa shook her head, tears burning at the corner of her eyes as she forced herself not to cry. “No.”

“Do it!” he shouted. She cringed, closing her eyes against his anger. She couldn’t.

“Aaye is dead!” he shook her, trying to get her to look at him again. “They’re all dead! They were weak, just like Luke, just like my parents. But I’m strong. He said I was strong”

“No! I stopped the bleeding. She’s still-.”

“Shut up!” he shook her again. He gripped his head, shaking it.

“You’re not making sense,” she whispered.

He growled, forcing his hand against her temple, and she couldn’t stop herself. He was forcing her to reach out. It _hurt_.

He led her senses through the temple, away from the caf, through the corridor into the women’s dorm.

Aaye was laid out where she’d left her, surrounded by blood. Her wound was open again, skin resisting Nisa’s clumsy attempts at healing. Her face was calm, and her chest was still. She was so still.

“No!” she sobbed. “I- I fixed it! She w-was _breathing_!”

Ben had slumped against her, crushing her against the wall as their foreheads met. He was watching the tears slide down her cheeks. She shuddered.

“Why is this happening?” she pleaded. “What did—why are you doing this to me?” she asked.

“Nisa, come with me. Get in the ship, and we can—“

“I can’t,” she cried. Her head shook wildly. She couldn’t look at him. “Please, just kill me. Please. This is my fault. I shouldn’t have left her. I should have stayed. I should have helped Elis. I should have stopped you.”

“Nisa,” he said. Reaching out, he grabbed her chin, squeezing her too hard, but she didn’t notice. She kept her eyes trained past his shoulder. She couldn’t.

She couldn’t do this. “Please.”

With a roar of frustration, Ben threw himself away from her. His saber ignited.

“Fight me,” he ordered. Nisa shook her head. “Take out your saber,” he said.

“No.”

“Take it out!” he roared. Nisa jumped. He looked livid, but he wasn’t moving.

“I-“

“Take. It. Out.” Quieter this time. Worse, somehow.

With shaking hands, Nisa pulled her saber off her cloth belt. She struggled to ignite the blade for a terrifying second but succeeded after a few more tremoring tries. It felt too bright to her eyes, and she squinted to see him past it in the dark of the caf.

He was moving before she had a chance to prepare, flying at her with his weapon raised.

For a frozen moment of terror, she thought he’d kill her, just like she’d asked, but then she felt herself raising her blade. His blow glanced off her guard, and the strength finally returned to her limbs.

He struck out at her again and again, and each time, she found the force needed to parry.

“Hit me!” he demanded, slashing wildly. She met his saber with her own, pushing against him. He shifted away.

She lashed out, felt something give way, and she stopped, immediately, worried somehow she’d hurt him.

He didn’t wait, and she felt the burn of her flesh as his blade glanced off her upper arm. With a desperate cry, she flung her hand out. She’d intended to send the saber out of his hand, but all she did was toss him back a few feet.

“Try harder,” he growled, rushing at her again. He swung down at her, and she barely had time to deflect the blow. Her arms shook with the effort.

Her head wound was making her dizzy, and sweat was trickling down her arm into her new wound. Wading through the pain, Nisa swept her saber between them, clearing space for herself. She did it again when he tried to lift his weapon.

Crouching slightly, she got into a more stable position. Now was not the time for wild movements. He was bigger than her, with a better reach. She needed to outpace him, and she couldn’t do that if she was wasting energy.

“That’s better,” he said. With a smirk, he struck again. She dodged the blow, slicing her lightsaber across her body to protect herself from his trailing blade. While he was winding up to try again, she jabbed out. Her saber caught the edge of his robe. She’d missed, but that was closer.

Good.

His next blow was less controlled, but there was more strength behind it. She dodged again, throwing herself to his left and rolling to keep her feet under her. She darted up and brought her saber up as he followed through, spinning a bit to keep her in his sight. Their blades crossed again, and he pushed against her, grunting with the effort. Nisa stepped back to brace herself, and her foot landed in the pool surrounding Elis’s bottom half. There was no traction and she slipped. She fell to her knees, feeling her ankle twist beneath herself. It was quiet for a beat. Then he let out a wordless shout.

Nisa sobbed, raising her saber above her head to stop Ben’s killing blow. Her arms trembled with the effort, and she felt the hair framing her face singe from the heat of his saber. She reached out with the Force, scrambling for something, anything. There was a chair. She just needed…

“Come with me,” he said. He sounded calm, as if his saber wasn’t inches from her neck. Her face crumpled and she stared up at him.

“I love you.”

He backed away immediately, lifting his lightsaber away from hers. He looked sickly surprised, but he didn’t look happy.

She stood, saber still ignited, and stepped out of Elis’s blood.

Then she pulled her hand to her chest.

The chair exploded against his back, wood splintering spectacularly. But he barely flinched at the force of it. She noted the large shard which had embedded itself in his right shoulder, but he didn’t seem to notice.

He was not amused.

With a wave of his hand, Ben brought the wall down.

***

The New Jedi Temple was the most beautiful building Nisa had ever seen. The architecture spoke to an ancient feeling in her blood, and the planet on which it was build was just as significant. She didn’t understand why, not yet, but she knew this place was old. It was old and strong in the Force.

None of the padawans had ever been here, so she was finally on a level playing field with them—with all of them except Ben, that was. Gergo had told her during their trip that he’d been here once before, while the Temple was still being built.

There were other Force-sensitives in the Temple, but no Jedi. These Force-users were refugees, adults who had fled from the Empire’s assassins because of their abilities, but who had little to no desire to become Jedi. There were farmers, two of them, and a young woman wearing the vestments for a religion Nisa didn’t know. There was one old woman named Mympa with a twinkle in her eyes who could make her durasteel spoon stir her tea on its own, but none of them felt like Master Skywalker.

They had some echoes of the Force, pushed down out of fear of discovery, but he was blazing with it. Even though she was untrained, she could feel it. She felt it on most of the other students, especially Ben.

She wondered if she had it too.

Their training resumed the day after their trip after the girls and boys had settled on which mat was theirs in the dormitory, and after they’d explored some of the outbuildings. Once they’d gotten a little more acquainted with their new home, it was back to business.

***

Nisa was bad at meditation.

This was nothing out the ordinary for children. She remembered the early days of training when meditation would devolve into nap time, and Jonah would list over on his mat and start snoring, or Aaye would start drumming a beat on her thigh which set the whole room to twitching.

But Nisa wasn’t a child now. Three years into their training. Even Jonah could meditate without falling asleep now, and Sai was so zen he could go hours without moving. Ben struggled, sure, but only Nisa was unable to reach a place she might charitably call centered.

She felt the Force when she ran. when she danced. when she practiced her forms, but when she was forced to sit, her skin became over-sensitive, her mind started spinning in circles, looking for more than her breath as a distraction.

It was becoming a problem.

Master Skywalker’s advice was always completely unapproachably vague, and he’d begun using meditation in their lessons. They weren’t learning how to center themselves, they were meditating in order to learn Force techniques. And she couldn’t _do_ it.

When she’d asked Elis, the other girl didn’t seem to understand, and when she asked Sai, he told her all the things Master Skywalker had.

Nisa felt like she was running out of options, and she didn’t want to fail. She _couldn’t_ fail.

She’d arrived at her last option.

“Ben?”

She’d made sure he was alone, waiting a whole 15 minutes after Jord had left the dormitory to enter. He sat on his bed, hands on his knees, meditating. Of _course_ he was. It was like they were all _mocking_ her.

He’d moved when she spoke, opening his left eye only a crack. “What?”

“Can I ask you something?” she asked.

His other eye opened, he turned slightly to stare down his nose at her. Was his nose always this big? “What?”

“Do you know any other words than what?” she snapped. Her hands went to her hips as she stared up at him defiantly.

“Was that your question?” he asked. The left side of his mouth quirked up—his version of a smile.

“No! Of course not,” she admonished him, but his lip only twitched again. Huffing, she came out of the doorway, shuffling closer to his bed. “I wanted help. I need you to—I was wondering if you could teach me how to meditate?”

He raised an eyebrow. “Me?”

“Yeah, you.”

“Why me? Go ask Sai.”

“I did,” Nisa sighed. She rushed the rest of the way towards him, collapsing dramatically next to him on the bed. “He is _not_ a good teacher. He just repeated with Master Luke told him. Which also doesn’t help, and Elis doesn’t get why I have such trouble.”

“Am I your last resort?” Ben laughed. He had shoved backward, so his back was against the wall, to make room for her.

She shot him an amused look. “Not technically. I could ask _everyone_ else.”

“Why didn’t you?” he asked. He was still smirking, but there was a curious look in his eyes.

“You used to be as bad as me at it,” she admitted. “You’d get frustrated and stop trying, and Master Luke would yell at you. It made it easier for me to pretend. But now you don’t do that.”

“Sorry,” he said. He didn’t look sorry. “Didn’t know I was your distraction.”

She sat up, mirror his position, placing her hands on her knees and crossing her legs. She should be in position if he agreed.

Nisa let out a put-upon sigh. “Do you think you can teach me?”

Their knees were touching, as they sat crisscrossed on the bed, and she felt as if the skin that met with his was burning.

Ben stared at her, smirk fading as their eyes locked. His eyes weren’t as dark this close up. They usually looked black, staring out from his pale face, but she could see flecks of gold and a rich brown. Nisa pretended she was looking for his answer before he gave it, but when her eyes dipped to analyze the rest of him, a part of her realized that was unlikely.

His skin was so much paler than hers, speckled with freckles and beauty spots. She wondered if he took after his father, because Master Luke’s skin was much more sun-weathered, and he had blonde hair—underneath the quickly spreading gray, of course.

Ben coughed, and Nisa’s eyes darted back up to his. Her blush spread all the way to her ears. “I’ll teach you, but I don’t know how well I’m going to do,” he admitted.

She nodded.

“What did Luke tell you?” he asked.

She was momentarily scandalized by his casual use of Master Skywalker’s name, but she pushed past it. “To empty my mind and focus on breathing. The stuff he _always_ says. But I tried to explain that I’m calmer when I’m moving. Sitting still makes me nervous.”

Ben nodded understandingly. “It’s frustrating. Especially when so many things can distract you. But you don’t need to be empty. Sometimes I think it’s better to focus on the things that are distracting me and concentrate hard enough that they stop.”

Nisa screwed up her face in confusion, sending him a doubtful look. “That…doesn’t make sense,” she complained.

He snorted. “You haven’t even tried it.”

“I don’t think it’ll work,” she said. Nisa knew herself _very_ well.

“Is this how you always are during a lesson?” he asked her, sounding impatient. “You’re never going to learn anything.”

She cried out indignantly, “I will too!”

“Try it,” he pressed. He closed his eyes to her, letting out a long breath. “Tell me what’s distracting you.”

Nisa closed her eyes, breathing deeply, the same way she always did. The light from the window made the darkness behind her lids incomplete, which was momentarily irritating, but it wasn’t what was distracting her. Ben’s breathing sounded loud in her ears, but there was a soothing rhythm to it. Her own breath was even and created a chorus with her heartbeat.

It was fine, a relatively calming environment, except…

“Your knee,” she whispered, feeling her cheeks flush.

“Huh?” Ben asked.

“Your knee is touching me.”

“Oh. Um”—he was quiet for a moment. Nisa wondered if her admission was annoying, but he cleared his throat and began again. “Focus on that, then. How it feels, and, like, things like that.”

She nodded, forgetting he couldn’t see her. “Oh—yeah. Yes, ok.”

Nisa shifted slightly on the mattress and focused on the feeling of their knees pressed against each other.

His skin was warm through the cloth of their pants, and he was rested against the wall, so his leg was unmoving. She could feel bone against bone when he moved.

Deeper, she felt the way they both shifted slightly when they breathed, and their breath was almost nearly in sync. She breathed in a beat after he did. That was also distracting. She didn’t bother telling him that, pausing in her next inhale so that they were both taking in the air together.

Better.

Her shoulders curled in a little as she focused on their breathing, the subtle push and pull as they breathed the same air. In and out, give and take. Like a seesaw—a seesaw, yeah, exactly. Up and down, breathing.

It was easier and easier to become less aware of the room around them as she focused instead on the boy immediately in front of her, the pressure of his knee, the shifting of his body. And then, it clicked.

Not suddenly, not all at once, but she felt the space between them and knew it wasn’t empty. She wasn’t empty and the air wasn’t either. The very act of taking in breath was part of a complex system.

She reached out, not physically, but with the Force—or what she presumed was the Force, this feeling which made the world feel bigger and small all at once. She took in the room at large, the bare floors, tiny particles of dust skittering across the wood, picked up by minuscule currents of air. And Nisa felt Ben, but it was different now. She brushed up against his Force signature, a bright star of potential, a gentle greeting. He drew back, and she worried that she might have done something wrong.

Then he smiled.

She opened her eyes.

***

Nisa woke up covered in dust. She could barely move, pain wracking her entire, body, but she could smell fire, feel the heat against her skin.

“Nisa!”

She raised her head, eyes blurry. She blinked through the grit, trying to clear them when she felt a familiar pair of hands on her arms. One normal hand, the skin warm and slick with blood, but the other hard metal covered in the leather of a glove.

“Ma-master Luke?” she croaked. There was dust in her throat.

“Nisa,” he repeated, staring down at her in surprise. She nodded.

“Ben,” she choked out. “And…they left. He…he buried me.”

“Me too,” Luke told her. His face was grim, the line of his mouth harsher than she’d ever seen it.

“You…” she began, but she couldn’t… she couldn’t. She sunk back to the ground, forcing her forehead against her forearm as she tried to calm her breathing.

“Nisa, calm yourself. We have to—.”

“They’re all gone. Dead or gone,” she whispered against her skin, knowing he’d hear her anyway.

“I sensed…” he began, but his words seemed to be failing him.

“You tried to kill him,” she snarled, looking up at him. His face was the only answer she needed.

“I had a thought. But—.”

“They’re all dead because you tried to _kill_ him!” she yelled. “Aaye is—I couldn’t fix her. And Elis… Laata killed her brother.” Her chest tightened and she felt her breaths coming too fast. She wanted to be dead, she wanted to be asleep.

“Breathe, Nisa,” Luke ordered, voice gone cold.

“Get away from me!” she snapped.

He backed away, and she used the space to get up. He stared at her, suddenly uncertain. Good. She wanted him to be as unsure as she was.

With a forceful breath and a wince she got her feet underneath her and stood. She swept her hair out of her face and stared at the carnage around them. Her fellow students were scattered around the caf.

“We have to—I have to bury them,” Nisa said. She panted at the pain in her leg with her first step.

“The temple is on fire. We need to leave. Now,” Luke grabbed her arm.

She yanked herself away from him. “I need to-“

“Jedi are burned.”

Nisa turned to stare at him. “I need to get Aaye, then. She should be with her sister.”

“Nisa, the building is falling down around us.”

As if to punctuate that point, a crash sounded out, rumbling the ground beneath their feet.

“I need to do this!” she told him. She didn’t know how to make him understand, but her voice was frayed and she felt like her skin had been flayed off.

Luke took another step back, eyes searching her face. “They are together, now that they’re one with the Force,” he said. But there was nothing to his words. She could tell the sight of his students bleeding onto the floor of his Temple had taken something out of him.

“Empty words,” she spat.

Without another look, Nisa took off. She was in too much pain to be running, but the sound of the building collapsing _had_ frightened her. She thought she was dead, but she wasn’t, and now something in her needed to survive, to get off this planet and…

What? Avenge her friends? What use was that?

She could hear Luke behind her, slower, but she didn’t look back.

Nisa burst into the girls' dormitory.

***

Nisa ignited her saber, getting into her first defensive stance, and waited for the first strike. It came seconds after her guard went up, a strong slash at her guard, but the strength behind the blow was negligible.

“Take this seriously,” she laughed, parrying easily.

“I am!” Aaye called out as she back away. She was holding the saber loosely, twirling it in front of her. “I’m deathly serious, promise.”

Nisa grinned and tossed out her own weak slash, blade glancing off Aaye’s with the usual rush sound.

Their fellow padawans surrounded them, sparring, but most of them didn’t seem to be taking it any more seriously. They didn’t have to, really. Master Skywalker had taken Ben away early in the lesson. She knew it had to do with the ship that had landed an hour ago, and she tried not to let her curiosity get to her, but sparring was the last thing on her mind.

“Do you think we’re getting more students?” Aaye asked after she’d shoved Nisa’s blade away.

Gergo, having heard the words, snorted. “Yeah right. Dignitaries maybe. Master Luke’s been glued to his comm for a week.”

Yasali, who’d been in the middle of a swing at Gergo’s neck, hissed and swung her blade away, barely keeping from beheading him. “Pay attention!”

“We should be taking this more seriously,” Sai intoned. He was furthest away from Nisa, sparring with Elis, but she could still clearly make the look of disappointed annoyance on his face. She met Aaye’s gaze just as the other girl stuck her tongue out at him.

“Stop being such a scold, Master Rakti,” Aaye snipped.

Sai frowned. “You shouldn’t call me that. I’m a padawan, just like you.”

“But you’re so enlightened,” Nisa teased.

“Sai’s right,” Elis said. She’d sheathed her saber and gotten out of her stance.

“Jeez,” Aaye groaned. “You’re taking _grandpa’s_ side?”

“Ayag’aaye,” Elis snapped.

“Oh, full name,” Nisa muttered. “Bad sign.”

Aaye fought a smile at her comment. “We’ve been sparring all morning. I think we have enough practice. I want to try something else.”

“Let’s not—let’s not make trouble,” Masa practically whimpered. He looked at Aaye fearfully.

Last time she’d suggested “trying something” he’d ended up covered in mud and getting a proper scolding from Mympa for tracking it all over her clean floors. He really should have been more careful near that mud pit.

“Master Luke will be back soon,” Yasali warned, but she didn’t look like she was actually objecting. Plus…

“Who knows,” Nisa pointed out. “He could be gone for hours.”

“What do you have in mind?” Gergo asked.

“This isn’t a discussion!” Elis snapped. Sai nodded in agreement. He’d crossed his arm, trying to look imperious. It wasn’t working.

“Wanna see who can Force jump the highest?” Aaye asked. The glint was there in her eyes. Nisa grinned even wider.

“Yes!” she agreed immediately.

“I’ll go first!” Yasali agreed, but Gret was already crouching down and whooping out. He burst into the air with unnatural speed.

Elis groaned. No stopping them now.

***

Nisa slowed down as soon as she entered the room, lowering herself to her knees to crouch next to Aaye’s body.

She was afraid, for a second, to touch her, afraid to upset the look of serenity on the girls face. It reminded her too much of waking Aaye up late at night to suggest putting a crawler in Elis’s bed or planning out the exact amount of noise they could make to disrupt Sai’s meditation without alerting Master Skywalker.

Choking on her tears, she brushed a streak of blood from her friend’s forehead. Her skin was so cold. She heard Luke step into the room, but she ignored it. Rearranging her lekku gently, Nisa fought back her tears.

“I should have stayed with you,” she whispered. “I could have kept you alive.”

There was no answer. Of course not. Because she was dead. Nisa suppressed a sob, stroking her cheek.

“You are not responsible for her death, Nisa.”

Nisa didn’t look away from Aaye. “You’re right. You are”

His breath caught behind her, but he didn’t deny it. “We have to hurry. The outer buildings are ashes and rubble, the other dormitory has collapsed. There’s no time.”

“I’m taking her to be with her sister.”

“Let me help. She’ll be heavy,” he warned. She shook her head. It should be her.

Nisa stood, reaching out with the Force and began levitating Aaye off the ground. It was delicate work, this constant levitation. Harder than throwing a chair.

Luke moved quickly out of Nisa’s way as she pulled her out of the room. Nisa’s hands were placed lightly at her back to ease some of the mental strain, but by the time she’d gotten her out of the corridor, her forehead had broken out in a sweat.

She struggled a few more feet before she had to stop. With a grunt, she felt the real weight of Aaye’s body land in her outstretched arms. Nisa stumbled.

And then she felt his help. Aaye’s body lifted once again. Nisa reached out with the Force again. And it was easier now.

She knew she should reject this kindness, should scream at him to let her do this. But she was tired, and the fire was spreading. She could hear it, feel it. If she was dead she couldn’t do this for Aaye.

The rest of the way was easier. They made it to the caf just as the back of the room ignited and placed Aaye down next to the top of Elis’s body just as a second wall fell.

Nisa knew nothing after that. It was all a blur, as Luke pulled her out of the building and left her sitting in the grass before the Temple. Alone.

*** 

_One, then the other, then the third._

_One, then the other, then the third._

“One, then the other, then the third,” Master Skywalker repeated. Again.

Nisa said, legs crossed, hands on her knees, staring intensely at a pile of flat rocks.

Her mind could picture exactly what it wanted to do. The largest rock on the bottom, the second placed delicately on top, and third to crown to tower. She had gotten the large rock flat on the ground and was attempting to levitate the second through the air when he spoke again.

“One, then the other”—he had begun, as she reached out with the Force, but his voice had broken the stranglehold she had on her concentration. The rock went flying, striking a column and clattering uselessly to the ground.

She let out a rough breath.

“Nisa, try again,” Master Luke ordered gently.

“Master,” she protested. “I can’t!”

“You can. And you will,” he said.

She stood, suppressing the urge to roll her eyes and rushed to reclaim the rock.

It went like that for an hour.

They all had their points of weakness, their gaps in training. Ben struggled with his anger, Sai’s saber abilities were lacking, Yasali couldn’t influence a flea to bite, Aaye couldn’t take anything seriously.

Nisa was bad with the finer side of the Force. She’d seen Elis take a tertiary photonic relay apart and put it back together again, all with the Force, but Nisa couldn’t even put one rock atop another. But if the two rocks needed to crash into each other very hard, she had no problem.

By the time she’d managed to get the second rock to stay on the first for longer than a breath, she was sweating through her robes, and she had a dull but persistent ache at the base of her skull. Master Skywalker, sensing that she was on a razor's edge, let her stop.

“You’ll need to continue working on this, Nisa,” he told her. “You cannot approach every problem with brute strength. You _know_ this. Your control is necessary if you are to progress.”

“I know, Master. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” he said. “Work harder.”

“Yes, Master.”

Once he’d left her in the courtyard, Nisa collapsed onto her back, staring up at the cloudy sky. She knew if she went back to the common area she’d be peppered with questions from Aaye, so she stayed put. She closed her eyes, intending to meditate and try again once her head stopped hurting when she heard the footsteps.

She opened her eyes to see Ben staring down at her.

“Hey,” he greeted gently.

She sat up and patted the ground next to her. He dropped down gracelessly.

“Hello,” she grumbled. “How much of that did you see?” she asked.

“Most of it. No one else was watching if it makes you feel any better.”

She thought about it for a moment, and then she shrugged. “I’m not the only one who needs help.”

He laughed. “You’re right. I was out here for half a day with a droid practicing my breathing. Every time I thought I had calmed down it threw a pebble at me.”

“That sounds less like training and more like a cruel joke,” she pointed out.

He knocked her shoulder with his. “I have to work on controlling my anger,” he said. He’d thrown his voice in an impressive imitation of his uncles.

She laughed and recited the words she’d heard half a million times “Because anger leads to hate and so on and so forth.”

“Don’t feel bad,” Ben assured her. “Not until Sai masters all his forms and Yasali stops putting us all to sleep.”

“We’ll all feel bad when Sai manages to best anyone. He’ll never shut up after that,” she pointed out.

Ben laughed.

Nisa liked Ben’s laugh. It was deeper now, bigger than when they were children, filling the courtyard up with its warmth.

It was easy to forget they were not—none of them—children anymore. They wouldn’t be padawans for much longer, and in no one was this more pronounced than Ben.

Unfortunately, _everyone_ was growing taller than Nisa. She’d been taller than average as a child, but they’d all outstripped her. She hadn’t grown an inch since she’d turned 15. Even Aaye was taller now. But then, her parents had been rather short people.

As she sat beside Ben, she took in his broad shoulders, the way the fabric pulled over his well-muscled arms. She could try to excuse her roving eye, try to play it off as nostalgia for their younger days when her fellow students hadn’t all towered over her, but for the first time, perhaps ever, there was a realization of _interest_. Nisa admired his looks.

She blushed, not just or that thought but because he was staring at her now, noticing her admiration.

Clearing his throat, Ben spoke, “Did you want to be, uh…did you want to be alone? To continue practicing?” He sounded unsure of himself. She didn’t feel much better.

She shook her head. “You can stay—if you want, of course. You don’t have to.”

He still looked awkward, and she could see the way his ears were tipped in crimson. She thanked the Force that he was as uncomfortable as she was. Then she felt bad, because it was her fault he was uncomfortable.

“You really don’t have to stay. I—I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t”—he shook his head at her, stopping whatever crushingly uncomfortable apology she was trying to stutter out.

“I want to stay,” he assured her. His hand landed gently on her knee, and she was brought back to that day on his bed for an instant.

This was better than that though, as he leaned closer to her, his breath brushed at her cheek. It was warm, welcome in the chill of the setting sun. She didn’t move for a beat, surprised at this, trying to shove the fluttering in her stomach away. Nisa wanted no distractions from this moment.

His lips were soft when they finally met hers. He didn’t move any closer, didn’t try to move against her before she was ready. Instead, he simply provided the touch, letting her set the pace.

But Nisa was a teenage girl who’d been raised in a religious temple, and there were very explicit instructions against such physical pursuits, so she was never going to go slow. She met him the rest of the way, crushing her lips into his with abandon. Unfortunately, Ben was a teenage boy who had been raised in the same religious temple, and he had little to no idea how to respond to that.

The first few seconds of kissing consisted entirely of clicking teeth and awkward tongue brushing. When they pulled apart, Nisa wondered if she could use the Force to sink into the dirt.

After a few panted breaths, however, they tried again, slower.

It was much better the second time.

**Author's Note:**

> So this is OC centric, but if you guys want more of Nisa please let me know. I'm going to be writing more of her anyway.


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